Biruan Time!!!

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Biruan Time!!!

Post  charmganda on Thu Aug 05, 2010 9:49 am

Making a Baby ...

the Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start? Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun . You can really spread out there. 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me! 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that. 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with. 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in. ' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away. 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' . . . Mrs. Smith fainted . . .

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy


1-10


Nanay: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin?
Anak: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi narinig ko minsan sabi, 'tama na inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko.'


Ano ang pagkain?

Mister: Ano ang pagkain natin?
Misis: Nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
Mister: Isang pirasong tuyo? ano pagpipilian ko?
Misis: Pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!



Overseas call


IDD call from US:
Husband: Hon, musta ang tindahan?
Wife: Department store na!
Husband: Ang tuba-an?
Wife: KTV bar na!
Husband: Ang mga tri-sikad?
Wife: Taxi na!
Husband: Ang dalawa kong an ak?
Wife: Lima na!




Horoscope


Sweethearts watchin' the sky...
Guy: Ano ang horoscope mo?
Girl: Anong huruskup?
Guy: Yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.
Girl: Ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!


Almusal(at dito)


Donya: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais empuntu!
Maid: Walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag-almusal!



Nirape...


Maid: Ma'm, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw kagabi...
Madam: Bakit di ka sumigaw?
Maid: Eh, akala ko po si Sir, pero nung makadala wa, nagduda na ako!



Mayaman - Mahirap


Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!


Pangarap

Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto: Hindi! Yan din ang pangarap niya!



Dalawang mayabang...


Usapan ng dalawang mayabang......
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.



Nitrates


A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, 'What are Nitrates?
The student replied shyly, 'Ma'am, sa motel po. Nitrates are higher than day rates!'



Siling labuyo (at dito... hahahah )

Ate: Musta date mo sis? Epektib ba payo ko, siling labuyo sa nipples mo para di ka galawin ng bf mo?
Sis: Hay naku Ate, palpak! Ginanahan pa lalo, eh, uragon pala!



Madre't sakristan -(lalo na dito)

Madre: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
Sakristan: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
Madre: Susmaryosep! Bayag ba ang apelyido mo?!
Sakristan: Sister naman, Rosario po.



Katapusan na! - (at dito rin)


Lumindol ng malakas noon....
Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki...'Katapusan na! Katapusan na!'
Sumagot ang isa pang lalaki....
'Tanga! A-kinse pa alang!'



Utot


Pupil: Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
Teacher: No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yun! Remember, hindi bumubukol ang utot ...
Pupil: Naku patay! Tae na to!



Sa airplane


Sa isang mumurahing airline...
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po.



Walang syota


Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!



Sa isang ospital

Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer): Doc, anong gagawin niyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!



Top One

Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Ba't mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko.. Muntik na ako!






charmganda
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Re: Biruan Time!!!

Post  admin on Thu Sep 16, 2010 3:39 am

i was bored so i searched for jokes to kill time... and i read this.. omg.. i laugh so hard after reading this..


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl

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Re: Biruan Time!!!

Post  kimberly raine on Thu Sep 16, 2010 7:31 am

just made my night dear.......feallnig ko later habang binabasa lp ang hedging at business combi with consoli eh matatawa parin ako sa joke n ito..... lol! lol! lol! lol!

kimberly raine
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Re: Biruan Time!!!

Post  tinzz on Tue Jan 04, 2011 1:10 am

kaloka, natawa naman ako sa mga jokes nyo... lol! lol! lol!


Nagtanong ang teacher kay juan
Teacher:juan anung hayop ang nagsisimula sa letter k
Juan:mam kuto po
Teacher:hindi!! nagtatapos ito sa letter w
Juan:mam alam ko na kutow
Teacher:hindi!! Pang lupa ito
Juan:mam alam ko na po kutow lupa
Teacher:hindi!! May sungay toh
Juan:mam dimonyong kutow

tinzz
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